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Excerpts from It Seemed Like a Compliment to Me and
Thoughts of an Average Joe

 
My Colonoscopy


Dr. Braley told me it was time for my first colonoscopy when I turned 50 and when I tuned 51 and 52 and 53 and 54. At 55 I told him I was pretty sure I didn’t need one and that it sounded like a pain in the rear.
“But Joe,” he explained, “Colon cancer kills. If we find it early, we can kill it before it kills you.”
      I thought about Winnie, the kids, the grandkids, beer, Black Velvet, Slim Jims, Jack Link’s Teriyaki Beef Jerky and how much I’d miss them all, so I agreed to have my butt scoped.
       Dr. Braley wrote me a prescription for something with a fancy medical name like crapowtinablast emulsion. Now that I’ve   used it, I call it “Orange Flush Nuclear Explosion”.
          So, at noon, I drank my gallon of “Orange Flush Explosion” and waited. Five minutes lapsed and nothing.
          “I knew it. This stuff doesn’t work on guys who eat jalapeño peppers and deer liver for breakfast. At minute number six, I felt a strange gurgling sensation in my gut. I did the 40 yard dash in 3.8 seconds . . . almost in time. I’d have made it to the toilet in time if the cat hadn’t decided to do Pilates stretches in my path.
          There was significant thrust factor in that initial movement. Had I not held onto the toilet seat for all I was worth, I’m sure I’d have been launched like an astronaut without a rocket ship to the ceiling. Anyway, eight hours and forty-seven trips to the commode later, my bowels were clean as a whistle . . . and, by the way, with enough fluid pressure, one can whistle from that end too . . .
(On to the procedure)     
          “Just roll on your side Mr. Wright and we’ll get started. You can watch on the TV monitor if you’d like.”
          “No thank you. Are you kidding me? No way. And by the way, before you ask, I don’t want to watch your cousin’s hemorrhoidectomy either.”
          I think Dr. Hineepeeker liked me. Shortly after my humorous comment, I heard her order the anesthesia guy to “give him a little bonus”. The next thing I remember, I was in the recovery room.
The nurse’s assistant was offering me muffins and coffee when Dr. H entered and complimented me. “You did a great job with the prep work, Mr. Wright. You are the only patient we ever had use the crapowtinablast and lose half his body weight.”
Doctors who try to be funny usually aren’t. I wish they’d stick to medicine and leave the comedy to us professionals.